Shinkuu (shinkuu) wrote,

This close

I don't really know if I'm still sick or not because I feel too exhausted to feel anything else.

This morning, I tried to go out and mow the front and side lawn. I knew I had to get it done today because I was spending tomorrow with the folks, and who knows what would happen while I was gone? Plus, I've been away for a week, so I wasn't able to do my usual weekly trimming.

When I got to the edge of my yard and the neighbor's yard, I ran over something I didn't realize was there. Apparently it was a cover for a pool drain or something, and the mower broke the cover. I tried knocking on the neighbor's door to apologize and offer to get him a new one, but nobody was home. I had to keep working, so I went and got an envelope, wrote a "sorry" note, and left it with the broken pieces on his front door. After I was done mowing, I rested up a bit inside (I planned to do more yard work later...). Then I heard something outside that sounded awfully close...

It was that neighbor, with a weed whacker. He had LET HIMSELF INTO MY BACKYARD AND WAS CUTTING THINGS. It looks like he was only cutting things touching the fence that separated our backyards, so it's not like he was going crazy everywhere... But still, he had let himself into my backyard. I wasn't asleep, so it's not like he tried knocking and got no answer. I was just flabbergasted. I couldn't believe it.

When I caught his attention, he just said, "Thanks for the note! Don't worry about it; it's a cheap thing that's like $3. My wife breaks it all the time when she uses the mower." I was just too stunned to say anything except for terse replies. I SHOULD have said, "Next time, could you see if I'm home before you enter my backyard?" but I just... I was too stunned to think, I guess. So we only talked about the thing I broke, which he said was no big deal, and he went off on his way.

Was it like... he started cutting my grass JUST to get my attention? Was he upset I left a note instead of waiting for him to get home? It's not like it was a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE note because I was just like I'M SORRY I BROKE YOUR THING CAN I HELP. I waited and waited but no one answered the door so I thought no one was home. He said he wasn't sure if I was home because he hadn't seen me in a while, BUT THEN WHO LEFT YOU THE NOTE? Was he actually upset I broke the thing, even if it was a minor thing? He did say, "My wife breaks it all the time when she uses the mower... Which is why she doesn't user the mower anymore yuk yuk!" Was that some kind of a jab at me? I seriously did not see it...

If he was annoyed about the things against the fence growing too large, well, I can see that. I was gone for a week and all. My folks didn't mow things, and they didn't help fix my riding mower as planned, because they were busy taking care of that baby bird (which I think eventually got strong enough to fly up into a tree). But... you know... could you talk to me about it? Or at least knock on the door before you go stepping in my yard? At least the other neighbor, who hired the yard crew on my behalf, knocked on my door first...

I was just feeling so mentally worn out. I went to check out some of the plants my folks were supposed to be watering while I was gone, and they looked awful. I'm not sure if it was because it got too hot, and so the amount of water they were getting wasn't enough... or if the weeds grew too much and started choking them out... but they looked like they were dying, and on top of everything it just made me feel defeated. And I saw some dragonflies flying around, and I just wished that I had my old pond with the koi and the dragonflies that came by every day, and the water lilies and everything... I just wanted the old things I used to have.

I was this close to just breaking down and giving up. But I reminded myself that part of the reason for moving here was to have more room to build a bigger pond. The old one was way too small. And maybe I can take care of the shared fence... if I douse the area in herbicide and lay some stepping stones down, maybe that will help? Then I can plant some bamboo for privacy. And I can save up money to buy that tall metal fence I wanted... WITH A LOCK.

It's just... ugh, everything is too much right now. I kinda wish I were back in Colorado. But I just have to stick things out, and take care of things little by little...
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